over, part II

i don't want to start this day in tears,
no need for a carryover from last night.
it's not that this isn't worth crying over
because the pain is palpable and the anxiety
is stretching my gut to explosive small beads
that bound from interior wall to blood stream,
an overtly familiar ache and swell
that brings zero comfort. but you have to understand
that i have cried entirely too many tears:
warranted and perhaps not (those shaken to creation
by the ping and crash of my mind)
and i know i shouldn't care
but i hope she is crying more.

she hasn't called
or anything, really. and i don't want to confess
that i am surprised/angry/mildly crushed
that she hasn't tried to lure me back. i am pretty certain
i would like to run away from myself.
but a fairy told me last night:
you are going to find someone so good for you. they
are getting ready now in their life too. and everything
happens for a reason.
--and i have no choice but to believe her
because i want to at least hope it's true.

i am simply having trouble understanding
how two weeks ago she talked about us getting married
and three days ago she told me she loved me
and wanted to see me this weekend
and then three nights ago
she told me she wants to start her life with someone
and after us working toward that for two and a half years
with a heart-wrenching 6 hr distance between us
she doesn't see us going anywhere and
it's over.

i knew it was coming.
i wish that meant it hurt less. and i wish that meant
i didn't care.