because i told you so

i came home with tears slicing my cheeks
and hugged my cat because i'd just left 4
of my friends at the bar. the beer had long ago
worn off, the happy-snapped buzz whittled from me
thanks to time and food and a healthy reminder
of the fact that i have to go to a fucking wedding in 3 days
and i am totally, completely, single.

which, whatever, i don't care about getting married
so to speak.
it's more the idea that i don't have anyone. and when that happens
for the first stark time in 2.5 years
it more than hurts.
so whining aside, i'm fucking sad.
and i'm tired of it.

so i'll focus on the good: i'll think about how i saw Her
twice today. and the first time she stared at me
and the second time, much longer, there was more staring
and one or two maybe even three looks
that weren't just, you know, looks.
and maybe i'm living in a pipe dream
but these little bits will get me through.

something has to. i don't want to cry in bed (again) tonight.
and i don't want to give in.
but i sincerely, truly, really do not want to feel this way any longer.