you're something beautiful / a contradiction

I had a healthy dose of Real Friends today, enclosing a few minutes with formerly mentioned not-so-real friends. [Also, those minutes? That's where I made a totally snarky comment directed at the married-friend who is shtupping her lesbian BFF, and my best friend's girlfriend nearly choked on her laughter and it went so over everyone else's heads, but oh so worth it.] SO it's good to see my Real Friends that can hang out without being drunk. Not-So-Real Friends? Yup, in line several times at the beer tent. Cheers.

And I saw AC today. She walked past us, in all her cuteness, and leaned over, smiled, waved. I swooned internally, smiled and waved back. She was "working" ... and I thought about going over to chat, but walked around for a few hours with my friends instead. Eventually, we were standing twentyish feet from where AC was working, and it was hot, and we didn't want to walk anymore, so we stayed there. & commence good friending, as they were delighting me with "She just looked over here. She keeps looking over here" and the like. Which was super, you know, because it's always fun to even think you're being admired/checked out/whatev. But I am a nerd/social-awk of a slight degree, and I was getting nervous just thinking about going to talk to her.

Truth is, I sucked it up. I'm tired of letting opportunities pass by, on any level, because of holding myself back. Out of what? Fear of something good happening? I've done nothing in my life to deserve nothing but shit, but until I start acting in a positive manner and taking little (healthy) risks here and there, nothing's going to change.

I walked right over and gave her a dazzling smile, which was dazzlingly returned (she has an amazing smile, the kind that warms your insides, and she has stellar eyes, incomparable, to match). And we chatted, her opening with: "I keep seeing you everywhere lately!" [Well that's a good thing, yeah?] It was so simple, I wanted to kick myself, repeatedly, in the ass. Totally natural flow, got some good info, opened up, ta-fucking-da. She then offered me a massage (here's where I explain that she is an on-off-again massage therapist, which is how I originally met her // she worked with my sister, and I actually worked there for a bit as well // and she was giving chair massages today, hence the offer), and of course I accepted because A) why would I ever turn one down?, and B) her offer to put her hands all over my neck and back? Um, yes please!

& then there was that. Which was fantastic. Small talk, of course, is hard when your face is smashed into the little face-holder on a massage chair/table. She joked around with me, and I was able to laugh, kind of. Joke/flirt. I think? So dense, here. So terribly dense. Post-massage, she gave me that damn sparkling smile and said, "I hope it was good for you." See, I don't generally fall for lines like that, and I already knew from years ago that AC is a wicked flirt (and she is damn good at it), but it still made me go a little 'Oooh yeah.' Cue more flirty small talk, ending with her saying, "I'm sure I'll see you soon," and a most wonderful tight, few-extra-second hug.

& I may or may not have fallen in love. HAH. Just kidding, really. I may fall easily, but it takes a little more than that.

At any rate, cue the reignition of my little crush on AC. It's a healthy little bugger. The thought of her makes me smile, blah blah blah. Just a crying fucking shame we never went out all those years ago. Who's to say we couldn't now? I mean, obviously, I'd have to formally extricate myself from my girlfriend, who has cut me off of communication with her because I am pms'ing and being "out of control," which just means she's seeing that I'm unhappy with Us but doesn't want to face it. I like that one of my real-friends (ah! the one that I dated a few years ago and now has the girlfriend and I finally did see them today, and it was actually lovely, except said girl and I still maybe feel the attraction, but whatever, tolerable) just said: "Don't let your girlfriend be an asshole to you." And my response: "I'm the asshole now, sadly."

Oh what the fuck am I doing.


[And I forgot about the part when she pushed her sunglasses off of her eyes and onto the top of her head because, she said, she doesn't like talking to people while wearing sunglasses (they or her) because you can't see where they're looking and all of a sudden I realize she cared where we were looking. & when she took off those sunglasses, & there was a maddening airtight lock of stare, I think I remembered why I'd liked her so years ago. Some people I used to know used to tell me that they could get lost in my eyes, and I never understood what they meant, but when she took of the sunglasses and our yellow-green // Caribbean blue recognized each other, I think I felt lost- in the most satisfying, intriguing of ways.]

everything is bigger than me, even stars, even dreams

Earlier this evening, I was sitting in my favorite courtyard downtown, and we have such a love/hate relationship, me and that courtyard. I love it most in the summer, when the sun is trickling down through the arching tree branches that act like a leaky roof- ineffective but beautiful nonetheless. But then I hate it most in the summer, specifically the first week of August, when it's overrun with locals and visitors and the stale sticky smell of spilled beer clashes with the terribly appetizing odor of all things fried food. & I hate it when these strangers, so foreign, trample through without recognizing an inch of the beauty in that courtyard, and yet I can't hold them responsible because you can barely see the history through the retina-burning colored tents, nor can you take your eyes off of the parade of sometimes horrifyingly clad people weaving over the bricks and around the trees and stray chairs.

I was sitting there, ignoring the pressing crowd around me, filtering through the rinse cycle in my brain. I was thinking about how I'd seen AC again today, how she'd smiled big and waved from across the street, looking dangerously cute as usual, but that's where it ended. & I was thinking about the lesbians, god they were out in droves today. Everywhere. But they weren't cute, and I was feeling disheartened as I always do when I see large groups of unattractive lesbians. It's so common, that train of thought-- "I'm going to be alone forever because the women that I find attractive are either A) horrible for me, or B) seemingly unattainable." So I started to feel pathetic for a hot minute, but then I remembered all of the options I have, like the nervous ability to transfer my skills to a different city, a different state, even a different country.

I have three friends that uprooted their lives, moved respectively to Wisconsin, Virginia/DC, and California. All three moved for professional reasons; two for jobs, one for working on her MBA. All three moved without attachments to any sort of attraction or romance. In fact, two of them moved from my area and both had dated me, at separate times (different years, actually), but neither was involved with me when she moved. The possibilities, for each of them, were limitless. They had no ties of the heart to contend with. They went, and they did. Not surprisingly, all three of them found love in the places that they moved to. They unearthed, uprooted, and discovered. My envy is tangible.

It's especially resonant now because one of those friends, the one who is currently living in California, is in town for a couple of weeks and we're planning on catching up this week. I can already hear what she's going to tell me- nothing I haven't already whispered to myself- about my job, my life, my romantic endeavors, and my unfailing like for the Obscure Object. Because we've had so many similar conversations in the past, even when she was trying to get in my pants, I can hear her tone of voice, hear the exact words she'll say. Comforting and scary. She's usually right. Sometimes I forget about how she asked me to drop everything and move to California with her. Sometimes I forget about how stubborn I can be.

The thoughts have waned now. It's one of my tragic downfalls. I write a novel in my head but can't get it out quick enough, and then it strings into pieces and disappears.

I'll see the Obscure Object tomorrow. I tried to force myself to write today, but I argued with myself. Again. Because I can't yet let go of what's in my head. Because I can't look her in the eye without feeling a porcupine scamper through my lungs. Because I don't even know what's real anymore.

one foot nailed to the ground

Today I ran into an old flame that never caught fire. I didn't think I'd recognize her, and I probably wouldn't have if she hadn't been standing beneath the sign of a building where we both worked (and consequently met/flirted something fierce), and if she hadn't been wearing a shirt with that company's logo. As it was, I did a triple-take before saying to J, "Uhm, isn't that AC?" And it was... probably due to my three whiplash looks in her direction, AC came over--- because she recognized J. Not me- which makes sense because like I said, I wouldn't have recognized her if I'd passed her on the street (it's been a good four+ years since we've really been face to face). So, of course, J felt the need to say to AC, "And you remember _______, right?" Awesome. I was happy to go unnoticed, but oh no. Not in the plans today. Small talk followed, laden with short-scripted details of 'where are you now' and 'how's the family.' It was surprisingly awkward, probably because AC and I never got our act together. Years ago, like I said, the flirting was rampant, and the attraction was obvious. But we never actually found time to explore our connection outside of work. Wasn't meant to be, clearly. Regardless, she has been an always-wonder for me.

She's totally hot, okay. And I am not immune to these things. AC has the most amazing smile, and she is a charmer. But I can't date charmers anymore. I usually discover that's all they've got to offer: charm. & usually a great smile that they then try to use to get them out of trouble. I'm not so much into saving graces anymore.

But today- there wasn't any spark. No butterflies. No unattractive sweating. Just, hey, how are you. I probably came off as aloof, but I am aloof sometimes, and like hell would I want AC to know, at this juncture, that I still entertain the idea of her. Without that spark, though, there's nothing more to wonder about.

Speaking of spark-- or, really, unattractive sweating: yesterday found me in the same room as the Obscure Object, and wonderfully, the air conditioning was nonexistent, and I could feel the sweat accumulating on my face. My FACE. What is this?! Just the sound of her voice makes me a little weak in the knees. That's fucking lame. This doesn't happen to me. Or, okay, it does: and always when I can't make a move to lessen the mystery.

I don't know, don't know, know.