mixed nausea

every time we talk: i ended up feeling like shit.
but that should come as no surprise, because truthfully
that happened a lot
when we were together. so why would it be any different
now.

you were crying on the phone, and my heart disappeared
from my chest- gone somewhere less familiar, somewhere less
flimsy. i don't even know what you wanted to know
but you were looking for an answer, and i gave you one,
but it wasn't the one you wanted.
because i think you wanted us to work this out.
to be together again.
but i can't even count how many times you've chosen to
break up with me
rather than have an adult conversation with me about whatever
little issue is currently plaguing us. i deserve better than that--
i deserve steadier footing.

i just wish that meant that i could
stop loving you and
stop missing you because you asked
and i answered, in truth. there isn't a lie to tell.
you told me that you picked up and left
and shut your ex out, that you didn't listen to her
when she was fighting for you.
and you wanted to make sure you weren't doing that to me: and you
aren't. but you did run.
it was different, but you ran.

i still don't know what you want(ed).
& i may never know if this could work because
circumstance/distance decimated our weakest spots.
we were too far, never close enough, but saddled down
with a love that didn't want to quit.
it still hasn't quit.
it's just fucked up beyond repair.
i think.

no, what i think is:
you have gone back and forth with me FAR TOO MUCH
and you say you broke up with me because you had to
put your foot down, you had to make a decision to move forward,
and fuck you because that's all i ever tried to do.
i can't handle the see-saw.
i get nauseous too easily.
if i could throw this up to get it out of my sick body,
i wish i would.