truth can get away from us / and all over town

Survival techniques: Think less, move more, DREAM BIG.

I think I've fallen into a trap of disillusionment, where I happily stumble through Thought Patterns that aren't going to get me anywhere because, yeah, pretty sure I gave up on self-fulfilling prophecies. Because the manifestation of my mind's whims and snowstorms arrives when I least expect it so that eliminates the fun factor of predicting my own destiny. Or whatever.

Met GC this past weekend for a necessary catch up session. I also just had a random bloody nose and have blood on my thumbnail, but ok. The talk was good, except GC thinks I have to start pushing forward in a direction that I'm moderately terrified to move into. "Moderately terrified" meaning that of course I want to go there, but A) I don't know how to start, and B) the threat of rejection/problems/complications/reality/mutual feelings scares me. In a good way. Good fear, healthy fear.

I gave my ex a ringtone this morning because as much as I'd like to give her MUTE for a ringtone, I'm just not there yet, which drives me a little crazy, but we all go through these things differently. So I at least want to know if I should bother looking at my Blackberry to see if it's a call I might want to answer. It's usually not. I realized that the only calls I consistently answer are from my mom. I should give my mom a ringtone and put everyone else on MUTE.

Life is pretty much freaking me out: possibility, conflict, the Great Perhaps, whatever love may be, and if I'll ever find out, etc etc. This is the first time, post any break-up, that I've felt myself feel fear about finding someone else. I'm sure it has to do with age, the length of my latest relationship, and the things that were said in that relationship. Words are cheap, though. I'm learning that. Finally, but it's contradictory for me, as a "writer." The concrete image of a word can be cheap, but the velocity behind it is never without cost.

I have to go wash my bloody thumbnail. And wrap presents. And get on with my life.