And I can understand, all I need is your hand

Have I ever mentioned that I'm not going to tell you all of this? Any of this? Nothing. No thing.

I breathe around you like it's any air, not yours.

I thought you were going away and leaving my system. I thought my brain and lungs were safe again; the tug and yank of every fiber of my living, breathing body could sit still. Be still. I thought I had myself fooled. (and then I saw you [again])

Oh won't you take the fall / it is me after all

I gave up running a few weeks ago because I didn't like what it was doing to my body. Now I'm restless and sensitive. Porous. That whole time- I was running away to you. Running from you. For you. Despite you.

Can I count days this high, this long? This far into knowing you, and I don't know all I wish I did. I do know: fall is within is, are we falling in it?, winter comes next and I love you in the grey-cold snow-threatening air. We don't do warmth. You seek me when it's cold, and I trip into your line of vision just long enough for you to see a sliver of all of the no-things I'm not telling you.

I do know: I wouldn't change any of this. That chance, once upon a glass of wine? I wouldn't go back and take it (I'd prefer that you don't hate me/you in the glare of dawn). The rushes and lulls? They can stay. That week I thought I was never going to be able to stop thinking about you and couldn't understand what was happening to my heart? That morning I pressed my cheek against tile and exhaled the previous night in fits of breathless confusion? Your indescribable attitude the other week? My stumbling tongue, bathed with or without alcohol? The way my stomach twists, wondering what you'll say next? Your eyes steady against my own searching, the way I worry I'm not holding enough/too much back in a single look that I'd swear could unravel my every feeling?

(I wouldn't change it.)

Instead, we should change our future. I'm ready for you and I thought I'd be terrified to say that because you are more than just you but the truth is I'm not scared. & I thought you should know.